


when darkness floods your eyes, i will carry you

by dayishujia



Series: the beginning, with you [2]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 00:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16051724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dayishujia/pseuds/dayishujia
Summary: If he was struggling, he didn’t tell Eiji. In fact, he smiled more. He laughed when Hanako told him a joke and even agreed to tutor her in preparation for her English exams. He practiced Japanese with his parents, who seemed to be falling for his charm.Ash was doing well.





	when darkness floods your eyes, i will carry you

**Author's Note:**

> this was an idea i had forming for a while, but got doubly inspired after reading the side story _private opinion_.
> 
> tw for a panic attack.

If his parents knew that Ash was bunking in his room rather than the guest room they had put aside for him, they didn’t mention it. Nor did they mention it to Eiji if they thought the fact that neither of them ever seemed to be very far from the other was odd or not.

Eiji was grateful for both. He wasn't ready yet to attempt to define the relationship he had with Ash.

His sister was a little more straightforward when it came to her brother's somewhat odd relationship with the American he brought back, but her teasing was lighthearted and easy to brush off. 

He was pleased to notice that Ash seemed to adjust well to life in Japan, as well as civilian life. He learned Japanese quickly with surprising accuracy - even though he still spoke with a heavy accent and couldn’t always remember kanji. 

If he was struggling, he didn’t tell Eiji. In fact, he smiled more. He laughed when Hanako told him a joke and even agreed to tutor her in preparation for her English exams. He practiced Japanese with his parents, who seemed to be falling for his charm.

Ash was doing well.

He knew Ash still suffered from nightmares. Sometimes Ash would startle in the middle of the night and sometimes, if Eiji was awake, they'd talk. Not about the nightmares, but about their plans for the next day or the future, something about their past or their friends still in New York.

Eiji wanted to talk to him about the nightmares but he wasn’t sure how to even begin to broach such a sensitive topic. Eiji didn’t want to force Ash to talk about something if he wasn’t ready to, he just wanted to make sure Ash knew he could talk to Eiji, if and when he was ready to.

Even that, he wasn’t sure how to do. He prayed that Ash just  _ knew _ until Eiji could find the right words to express it.

“You’re thinking too loudly,” Ash grumbled into the darkness of the room. There was a short pause, then he rolled onto his back to look at him. “What are you thinking about?”

Eiji flicked his fingertips over Ash’s t-shirt where it hung over his side. 

Ash reached out and laced his fingers through Eiji’s, rubbing his fingertips along the back of his hand. “You said I could hold your hand, right?”

Eiji smiled. Ash did too and the sight of Ash's gentle grin made his heart leap. Not for the first time was he thanking every god there was that Ash was safely with him in Izumo.

“Yeah.” He squeezed his fingers around Ash's.

Ash brought their joined hands to rest on his chest, laying Eiji's against his shirt. He yawned. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Eiji considered it. He still wasn’t sure how to phrase it in a way that would allow Ash to truly understand him, but he decided that even a little bit was enough for a start, so he said, “You know… you can talk to me, right?”

Ash huffed a laugh. He turned his smile on him again and Eiji found himself momentarily short for breath. “Yeah, I know.”

 

That night, Ash woke with a strangled shout. He shot upright, taking Eiji’s arm up with him.

“Ash?” Eiji scrubbed his eyes, slowly coming to. He could hear the rain pounding at the window, filling the quiet spaces between Ash’s gasping breaths. 

Seeing Ash, hunched over himself and drenched in sweat, fisting the chest of his shirt, Eiji scrambled upright. He scooched closer to him, careful not to touch. 

“Ash,” he called, trying to keep his voice even. He wasn't going to be any good to Ash if he got scared. “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Ash’s wide, terrified eyes turned onto Eiji. He was gasping for breath, his chest heaving. “...Eiji…?”

“Yes, its me. You’re okay. You’re safe.”

Suddenly, the door to Eiji’s room swung open, making a loud noise when it collided with the wall behind it. 

“Eiji?!”

Ash started again, jerking around to face the door. His body, tense with the surprise, shielded Eiji. His first instinct was still to protect; Eiji saw his hand disappear under his pillow where he used to keep a gun in their apartment in New York.

There was no gun now, but the motion wasn't lost on Eiji.

Eiji scrambled around Ash, blocking him from his parents’ sight, coming between him and the door. 

“What’s going on?” Eiji’s father all but shouted. He gripped a baseball bat in his hands, ready to defend his son from any perceived danger.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Eiji told them, hands up in an attempt to placate abd to show them that there wasn't any danger. “He had a nightmare -- “ 

A cold chill sweeped up Eiji’s spine. He glanced back at Ash, a niggling voice telling him just check before trying to ease his parents’ worry. 

Ash’s body had gone entirely rigid, his eyes wider than he had ever seen them and his mouth wide open, gasping for a breath that wouldn’t come. His fingers scratched his throat, leaving angry red marks in their wake.

“Oh, my God, Ash!” Eiji took him by the shoulders and pulled him to his chest. “Ash, you need to breathe, okay? Just breathe, it’s okay. It was just my parents, you’re safe!”

Ash’s entire body clenched and his arms shot out, gripping Eiji so hard it hurt. His nails dug into his skin, but Ash’s chest heaved with a ragged breath, then a series of them, and Eiji was able to release the one he was holding. 

Recognition flitted across Ash’s eyes as they searched Eiji’s face.

“...E-Eiji?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

“Yeah, yeah, Ash, it’s me,” Eiji whispered. He petted Ash's hair out of his face, off his neck, then he just held on to his shoulder as Ash still struggled to suck in a good breath just for reassurance. “You’re safe. I have you.”

Ash stared at him for a long while, like he was trying to piece together what he was hearing. “I…” His eyes darted around the room, taking in his surroundings. “I’m sorry. I --”

“Don’t apologize,” Eiji said.

Outside, there was a bright flash of light then thunder cracked. 

Ash allowed Eiji to hold him. His hand was fisted in the back of his t-shirt, having moved there when he realized who was holding him, twisting the fabric in his unrelenting grip to pull Eiji closer. The other held onto Eiji's arm that held onto his side. 

Eiji was pretty sure that Ash’s blunt nails broke the skin on his arm with the strength he used to hold on, but he didn’t care. Ash was breathing again, albeit unevenly. 

Ash was okay. 

Ash leaned forward, burying his face into Eiji's neck as he cried.

Eiji comforted him, whispering sweet words into the crown of his head and stroking Ash’s golden hair. 

It was only when Ash flinched in his arms did he realize his parents were still there.

His mother had gently touched his arm, causing Ash to jump. “Water,” she said softly in her sweet, accented English. 

Ash stared at her, eyes scared and without recognition. 

“It’s okay, Ash,” Eiji whispered. “She’s my mom.”

“...your mom?” Ash blinked. He glanced at her hand. “Water?”

She held out the glass toward him, and once he realized she was giving it to him, he let go of Eiji with one hand and snatched it like she would change her mind if he didn't act fast enough. 

He took a couple massive gulps from the glass before choking, coughing when he accidentally breathed some in.

“Drink slowly,” Eiji chided. He patted at Ash's back, between his shoulder blades to ease the discomfort.

Ash held out the cup for Eiji, offering him some of the water. Eiji smiled at the kind gesture and shook his head. Ash frowned but eagerly drank a few more generous gulps until the glass was empty.

Eiji took the glass from him and set it aside on his nightstand. While he leaned away for a moment, Ash looped his arms around his middle and hugged, pulling Eiji back to him and nuzzled his face into his chest.

Eiji couldn't help the chuckle that bubbled up. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders, rubbing his back.

“Is…” his father asked. “Is he alright?”

“He will be,” Eiji replied. He glanced over his shoulder and gave his parents the most assured smile he could manage. “Don’t worry, we're okay now.”

 

The next morning, Ash slept in. He was curled up against Eiji, as close as he could physically be, sleeping soundly with his head on his shoulder. Eiji layed in bed with him for a while, until the need to use the bathroom became too much.

Before he left the room, Eiji pulled the blankets up to Ash’s chin, careful not to wake him.

Downstairs, Eiji’s family was awake and lounging around the living room. The television was on, playing a mid morning talk show while his parents sipped at their mugs and Hanako read her book.

“Eiji,” Hanako noticed him first. She closed her book, marking her spot with her finger. “Is Ash okay?”

“He’s still sleeping,” Eiji replied. He scratched at his hair and entertained the idea of crawling back into bed alongside him. The idea was very tempting and he almost did, but he decided to let Ash have a moment alone when he woke; he probably wouldn’t want Eiji hovering over him.

His mother sighed. She ran her fingers through her dark hair, adjusting the way it framed her face. “He had a hard night. He’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

Eiji didn’t reply. Instead, he walked into the kitchen and turned on the kettle. He prepared a cup for himself first, setting aside a mug with a pourover filter for Ash when he woke, then rejoined his family in the living room. 

He sat on the floor by the coffee table.

“So, did he have a nightmare or something?” Hanako asked after admirably refraining for a few minutes. “Is that what the shouting was last night? Must’ve been a bad one.”

Eiji hummed, sipped his coffee.

“I wonder what it was…” she hummed. “I don't think I’d ever heard him sound so scared.”

“Hanako, that's enough,” their mother berated. Eiji was thankful for her intervention, he doubted he had the energy to bicker with his sister so early in the morning. 

Hanako lifted her hands in the universal sign of surrender. “What? I was just…”

“It was nothing, Hanako,” Eiji answered, firmly. He didn't want to talk about Ash while he wasn't present, especially not about his nightmares. Ash was a private person, he knew, so hearing his sister talk so easily about something so deeply personal left a bad taste in his mouth. “He will be okay.”

“Are you sure…?” she asked. “Cuz that was…”

“I'm sure.”

Hanako dropped it after that, although with a heaving sigh. She picked her book back up and made a point of reading it, holding it up and out, in front of her face. She was pouting, Eiji knew, and he probably owed her something of an explanation -- she was just worrying about Ash, after all -- but that would come later. For now, he just wanted to wake up and wait for Ash to wake up. 

About and hour passed before Ash appeared in the doorway. His hair was still a disheveled mess from the nights sleep and his slightly oversized t-shirt hung haphazardly off his shoulder. His head was low and he didn’t meet their eyes. 

His neck still sported the bright red scratches, now a shade lighter with the hours that had passed. 

“I’m sorry about last night,” he said. His voice was raw, sore and it made Eiji ache. He hated that voice, hated hearing the sadness he harbored show there. Ash adjusted the collar of his shirt and said, “I understand if you want me to leave.”

“Leave?” Eiji shot to his feet before either of his parent could say anything in response. “Wh-what are you talking about?  _ Leaving _ ?”

Ash expression contorted into something painful. “Eiji…”

“No, do not --- Last night wasn’t your fault. We,” he gestured to his family, looking to them for affirmation. They seemed to agree, from the shared expressions of horror at the thought that Ash assumed he would be asked to leave. “No one blames you!”

“Eiji, your parents… I  _ scared _ them. They thought I was hurting you.” Ash grimaced at the notion; he looked truly pained at the mere mention of hurting Eiji. “I  _ scared _ you.”

Eiji dropped his mug onto the coffee table. He marched forward, took Ash by the wrist and dragged him into the kitchen. He didn’t want to fight with Ash in front of his parents and he had to talk to him, get him to understand, away from their prying eyes. 

“You do not go anywhere,” Eiji said, when the door swung closed firmly behind them. Ash leaned up against the edge of the countertop, already exhausted. Eiji wanted nothing more than to hold him. Instead, he continued, “Especially if I can’t follow.”

Ash looked shocked. He must've known Eiji would argue, as Eiji was wont to do when Ash muttered such crazy proposals. “Eiji, I…”

“Ash,” Eiji interrupted. “Do you want to go away?”

“No! I don’t…” Ash reached out and held Eiji’s arms. His hands were able to nearly wrap completely around Eiji's wrists and he held on tight. “I  _ want _ to stay with you.”

Eiji gripped Ash’s forearms in response, turning his wrists in his hold. “Then don’t go anywhere.”

Ash was quiet for a moment and Eiji suspected he might have just won the argument. 

Ash’s gaze softened, as did his grip. “But, your parents…” His fingers grazed the skin of Eiji's arm, smoothing over a series of crescent moon marks left there. 

“They’re okay. And soon, if you want…” Eiji paused. He ran his teeth over his lip, chewing on the thought before saying it aloud. 

Ash carefully watched the movement of Eiji's teeth passing over his lip and, for a split second, Eiji thought he might kiss him.

“We can get our own place,” Eiji continued when Ash didn't kiss him. “We can find our own apartment, like we talked about.”

A small smile spread out over Ash’s lips. “...yeah?”

“Yeah.” Eiji shifted closer to Ash, taking a small step into his personal space. When Ash didn't shy away, he took another until he could almost feel Ash's warmth radiating off of him. “It can be wherever you want, too. Doesn’t have to be Izumo, or Tokyo. Wherever you want to go.”

Ash’s hand shifted to sit loosely at Eiji’s waist, holding on tightly. Eiji knew that if he had wanted to pull away, he would let him. Ash bit his lip, letting his head fall onto his shoulder. “I want to stay with you, Eiji.”

Tension left him like a wave. Eiji smoothed the hair along Ash’s neck, noting how long it had gotten since they first met. “I want to stay with you, too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> scream about banana fish at me [here](http://misstchotchke.tumblr.com)  
> if you liked it, please consider reblogging it [ here ](http://misstchotchke.tumblr.com/post/178300991224/when-darkness-floods-your-eyes-i-will-carry-you)


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